Saying Good Bye To Our Mother

Hello dear friends, I must say that my retirement has not started the way I expected!  After my last post in which I shared plans for my birthday/retirement/anniversary party in August my mother unexpectedly ended up in hospital.  I had intended to post about the party but it just seemed so frivolous and unimportant at the time and I was occupied with visiting her every day and following her doctor's recommendations to start looking into long term care homes.  In the end however her condition deteriorated quickly and my mother passed away in hospital October 1st.

My parents were married in Holland in 1958 and moved to Canada in 1960.  When clearing out my mother's things we came across their wedding photo album which I cant recall having seen before.  My brother and I quite enjoyed looking at the old photos.  Such a different way of life!  Not just because it was over 60 years ago but life in Europe was so different than what we are used to here in Canada.

It is ironic that in this age where we all seem to take hundreds of pictures on our phones I wasn't able to find a great current picture of my mother.  We had many pictures but I was not happy with using any of them.  (Note to self: if I want to take photos of someone I need to make sure that it is either a shot that I would be proud to share or just delete it.)

My father passed away 4 years ago.  It was his wish to not have a service and although I wasn't able to have that same conversation with my mother I was confident that she would want something very modest. We decided to bury my mother's ashes with my father's here at our farm and I invited our family and a couple of close family friends to join us.  I reached out to my cousins in Holland and asked them to send me a memory that I could share with our guests.

We put the memories in a crystal jar and my brother and I took turns reading them at our little service.  It seems that our cousins' fondest memories of visiting us in Canada had to do with picnics with Kentucky Fried Chicken!  And it seems my mother also liked to drink a Tom Collins.  And so many references to how much my mother and aunt liked to talk on the phone and talk and laugh and talk and laugh...My mother only had one younger sister who passed away several years ago.  My cousins spoke of how much happier my aunt was when she was with my mother.  Their upbringing was so different than ours.  Born in Indonesia, spending the war in a Japanese concentration camp and then ultimately being sent to Holland to be raised by an aunt and uncle so that they could go to school.  They had a very special bond and shared history that many of us will never fully understand.

We held our little service October 22nd.  We had invited my mother's 97 year old friend with whom she spent time daily working on jigsaw  puzzles as well as the elderly parents of my brother's childhood friend.  I fretted over the weather...would it rain, be too cold?  But in keeping with my mother's spirit we had a glorious 22 degree day.  We all gathered at the fire pit to hear the memories, have a toast, and enjoy some wonderful appetizers prepared by my sister in law.  We had a lovely afternoon.

We didnt take many photos.  Afterwards I realized we could or should have asked someone to take photos but although I had thought of it at the time it didn't happen.  Fortunately my husband and sister in law were able to take a few pictures that I was able to share with my cousins in Holland.  We were amused afterwards to see that our German Shepherd Abby inserted herself into many pictures!

My brother and I scattered the ashes under the same tulip tree we had planted to honour my father.  We expanded the garden, added some irises and a hydrangea and planted more red tulips.

Afterwards I was so pleased to see our guests enjoying themselves and remembering my mother.  It was heartwarming to hear how fondly she was remembered.  My husband made some last minute changes to the fire pit area that we had revised for our August party and added steps so that we could go directly from the seating area to the tulip tree garden.

I didnt realize that cardinals are often a symbol of someone that has passed away.  My girlfriend and I found this sign at a lovely shop so I purchased it to add to the tulip tree garden.

I also purchased two small cardinals to hang in the tulip tree.

When I retired I had received a very generous gift card to spend at a beautiful garden centre.  I used the gift card towards the purchase of a statue that resembles a Dutch couple.  We added it to the tulip tree garden.

We also bought this bench.  

So there you have it.  I have reflected much on my mother's unexpected passing and the lesson I have learned is that we must all take ownership of our health.  For those of us that have aging parents, we need to be their champions and their advocates.  In hindsight I believe that my mother's health had been deteriorating for some time but that she had no real symptoms.  After a fall in May her health took a marked decline for the worse and what was attributed to pain from the fall and edema was actually a symptom of something much more serious. It is frustrating to know that she had spent some weeks in discomfort because her condition was incorrectly diagnosed.  It wasn't until she was admitted to hospital that the correct diagnosis was made.  Unfortunately though it was too late to help her.   I am grateful for the care that she received at our local hospital and I am also thankful that ultimately her passing was comfortable and peaceful. 

I will miss her dearly.  Now I wish I had asked her more about the history of a particular lamp which is now in our entry, or how she came to have such a collection of embroidered handkerchiefs, or where did the shawl with the satin lining and pearls come from.  Later I will do a post sharing the antique silver and crystal items as well as the old linens that will find proper places in our old house.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post and reflect with me on the passing of my mother.